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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Top 13 Twisted Tinsel Tales . . . on the page!

Welcome to the final instalment of our Twisted Tinsel Tales!

Over this past week I've tried to put a horrific / humorous twist on the season, featuring book reviews, interviews, top 13 lists, guest posts, and odd facts about the holiday. It was all very twisted and terrible, and definitely not traditional, but it's all in good fun. Thanks for joining us for a daily antidote to the sugary spiritual sweetness of the season, and for enjoying a few guilty pleasures along the way.

For the literary edition of our 13 Twisted Tinsel Tales, we feature, in alphabetical order:

1. Dynamite presents their first ever Christmas Special... this time with a twist as we send Ash on a Christmas adventure the likes of which the world has never seen! Will Evil Ash destroy Christmas? Can Good Ash stop Evil Ash from ruining Christmas? Is there really a Santa? Find it all out in this 40 pages one-shot by writer Elliott R. Serrano and classic Marvel artist Dave Simons!


2. It's a dark and seedy side of Christmas that you didn't know about. A Christmas underworld where Santa gets dominated by peppermint women and Frosty is a transvestite stripper. There's elf sluts, toy orgies, and giant flesh-eating Christmas crabs that shoot lasers. That's right. Lasers. It's the holiday season, bitches, so strap on your sugar plum ball gag, bend yourself over the Yule log, and get ready for Kris Kringle to shove some Christmas cheer up your ass!


3. Ho Ho Horror is a collection of eight Christmas horror short stories from both established and emerging writers of horror fiction. From the terrors of physical danger, to characters at the edge of insanity, unsettlingly disturbed children, poignant psychological horror, and the supernatural, this collection of Christmas horror provides a unique blend of Christmas cheer and Christmas fear.


4. Who would want to harm Discworld's most beloved icon? Very few things are held sacred in this twisted, corrupt, heartless -- and oddly familiar -- universe, but the Hogfather is one of them. Yet here it is, Hogswatchnight, that most joyous and acquisitive of times, and the jolly old, red-suited gift-giver has vanished without a trace. And there's something shady going on involving an uncommonly psychotic member of the Assassins' Guild and certain representatives of Ankh-Morpork's rather extensive criminal element. Suddenly Discworld's entire myth system is unraveling at an alarming rate. Drastic measures must be taken, which is why Death himself is taking up the reins of the fat man's vacated sleigh . . . which, in turn, has Death's level-headed granddaughter, Susan, racing to unravel the nasty, humbuggian mess before the holiday season goes straight to hell and takes everyone along with it.


5. The legendary Ebenezeer Scrooge sits in his house counting money. The boards that he has nailed up over the doors and the windows shudder and shake under the blows from the endless zombie hordes that crowd the streets hungering for his flesh and his miserly braaaaiiiiiinns! Just how did the happiest day of the year slip into a welter of blood, innards, and shambling, ravenous undead on the snowy streets of old London town? Will the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future be able to stop the world from drowning under a top-hatted and crinolined zombie horde? Was Tiny Tim's illness something infinitely more sinister than mere rickets and consumption? Can Scrooge be persuaded to go back to his evil ways, travel back to Christmas past, and destroy the brain stem of the tiny, irritatingly cheery Patient Zero?


6. One Christmas Eve in a small hollow in Boone County, West Virginia, struggling songwriter Jesse Walker witnesses a strange spectacle: seven devilish figures chasing a man in a red suit toward a sleigh and eight reindeer. When the reindeer leap skyward taking the sleigh, devil men, and Santa into the clouds, screams follow. Moments later, a large sack plummets earthward, a magical sack that will thrust the down-on-his luck singer into the clutches of the terrifying Yule Lord, Krampus. But the lines between good and evil become blurred as Jesse's new master reveals many dark secrets about the cherry-cheeked Santa Claus, and how half a millennium ago, the jolly old saint imprisoned Krampus and usurped his magic. Now Santa's time is running short, for the Yule Lord is determined to have his retribution and reclaim Yuletide. If Jesse can survive this ancient feud, he might have the chance to redeem himself to his family, to save his own broken dreams...and help bring the magic of Yule to the impoverished folk of Boone County.


7. Whether your favorite holiday story is "A Christmas Carol", "The Story of Hanukkah", or "'Twas the Night Before Christmas", you'll find it transformed to reflect current sensibilities in Politically Correct Holiday Stories. Injecting our popular holiday fables with a modern perspective is no easy task, but someone had to do it -- and who better than the proven master of cultural sensitivity? James Finn Garner joyfully frees these holiday tales from sexism, ageism, religious imperialism, and every other sorry vestige of our flawed, low-consciousness past. So gather the family (whether traditional, dysfunctional, co-dependent, or otherwise) around the hearth, and read aloud these tales as they should have been told the first time.


8. His generosity is legendary. He has a devoted wife, a crack team of sky-borne reindeer, hordes of industrious elves, and the love of good little boys and girls around the globe. But what unholy desires now propel him into the lascivious clutches of a certain fairy? And who was he before the sleigh and workshop, in times forgotten? ... She munches on molars, summons drowned sailors to her pleasure, and recalls, sharp as a pinprick, her life as the most savage of ash nymphs. Why then is she stuck, night after night, hovering above pillows to leave coins for gap-toothed brats? More important, how quickly can she captivate the jolly old elf to the north? ... He's huge, fluffy, lonesome, and unbearably horny. On his Easter rounds, he contrives, as often as possible, to get a grip on himself and peer into interesting bedrooms. But who in the world will throw him down and ravage him as the lovers under his gaze ravage one another?


9. Santa isn't the jolly old elf he's been described as in Children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages. One snowy Christmas Eve, while visiting the Fry family, Sausagey Santa is attacked by an evil force that is driven to destroy Christmas forever. It is an anti-Christmas spirit that loathes everything having to do with children and Jesus. After it steals his magic bag of presents, Santa calls upon Matthew Fry and his wife, Decapitron (a brutish warrior woman with a strange Christmas fetish and a candy cane sword), to help get it back and save Christmas for everyone. It's the greatest sausage-spewing, elf-raping, zombie-killing, Transformer-fucking, reindeer-exploding, snowman-battling, adventure-rocking, bizarro Christmas story OF ALL TIME!!!


10. From the world's bestselling novelist comes the third tale in the Different Seasons collection. In this masterful horror story, thirteen men gather in their gentlemen's club on the Thursday before Christmas to hear the story of "The Breathing Method." And they will be forever transfigured by this terrifying story of a woman who was determined to give birth at all costs.


11. The Undead That Saved Christmas is the heart-chilling anthology with stories across the spectrum of holiday mythology. The perfect stocking stuffer that doesn't include a box of shotgun shells or a macheté, The Undead That Saved Christmas brings together various talented authors and artists from Great Britain, the United States and Ireland. Stories include The Magic of Christmas, by Rebecca Besser; Santa Claws is Coming to Town, by Calvin A.L. Miller II; Night of the Frozen Elf, by Richard S. Crawford; And to All a Good Fright by Stacey Graham; and many others. The anthology also includes rich illustrations by David Naughton-Shires, Jason Tudor, Chris Williams and more. Another thing to expect in this anthology is a fun collection of holiday zombie-themed poems and carols. And to wrap things up there is an awesome assortment of original comics, from Mike Schneider, Nate Call, and many others. Proceeds from the sales of The Undead That Saved Christmas benefit the Hugs Foster Family Agency (hugsffa.org) and will help them give their foster children gifts this holiday season.


12. Add some horror to your ho ho ho with these 5 gruesome Christmas tales. A boy waits for Santa... with an axe! Who is the man in red and why is he stalking Randy? Sinister reindeer cause trouble for Billy. Santa finds more than presents under the tree. Forget shopping, try to escape the mall alive this Christmas Eve! Includes: "Waiting for Santa," "The Santa Murders," "Billy and the Reindeer," "He Knows," and "A Very Zombie Christmas."


13. Do you dream of a white christmas? The happy family get-together? Tearing open presents and basking in the glow of season's greetings? Or do you prefer your christmas blood red? Battling vengeful spirits of the dead! Ravenous zombies tearing into flesh! Serial killers spreading their own message of "good" cheer. Well don't worry. Santa hasn't forgotten about you. If you prefer a chalice of poison over a cup of eggnog, these are the christmas stories for you! Unwrap this present with care!

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